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random funny quotes


Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt . “Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. Where there is a "will," there are 500 relatives. Famous quotes and sayings inspire us, motivate us, and also make us think about different aspects of life, like living, love, and friendship.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”—Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm, 47. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory, 31.

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. Incorrect email or username/password combination.

“I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada, 95. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”—Mitch Hedberg, 2. Showing search results for "Funny Random Thought" sorted by relevance. Thanks for posting them. . Also See: Funny Drinking With Friends Quotes.

Thanks again. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”—Robin Williams, 65.

Support your right to bare arms! The evening news is where they start by saying “good evening,” and proceed by telling you why it’s not.

Sharing is caring! Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird.

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I got a gun for my wife—best trade I’ve ever made. Wear short sleeves. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day, 11.
“I grew up with six brothers.

We are Microsoft.

I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.”—Anonymous, 71. When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. Best funny quotes selected by thousands of our users! You love animals, but you eat them.

Sorry, comments are currently closed. “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person.

Always remember: you're unique, just like everyone else. Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!

“Woke up today. Check out…50 Thinking of You Quotes 150 Good Morning Quotes 100 Wedding and Marriage Quotes 50 Friday Quotes 50 Monday Motivation Quotes50 Winnie the Pooh Quotes.

It just develops random features. Shining Irish Eyes from Upstate, New York on November 08, 2012: "You have a cough?

Thankful Quotes. . Stay tuned and be prepared to laugh.

And many a word, at random spoken, May soothe or wound a heart that's broken! “The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands.

And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”—George Carlin, 46. Birthdays are good for you. Refresh your page, login and try again. 1. See more ideas about funny quotes, funny, minions funny.

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner, 10. “I prefer not to think before speaking.

Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. I feel better already.”—Dave Barry, 55. Cheese . “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.

Bore begg, When life gives you lemons make orange juice, then leave the world wondering how you did it.


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I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer.

I need to use this in every day life at some point. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell, 9. . thes are the funnest qouts!!! Sharing! Usher: “Bride or groom?”Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither!”—Four Weddings and a Funeral, 33. “Insanity runs in my family. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”—David Letterman, 5. Great hub! How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

I love it. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”—Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey, 40. For those of you who didn't enjoy them, all I can say is sorry, time to move on. You need to be more funny on February 03, 2018: Good but not that good be amazing much more funny and cool things for kid and adults I read these yo myself I couldn't even laugh not even flinch not even a bit. “As you get older, three things happen. If what I said was true,you should be sorry too . i love ur webzite i think its great i especialy like"ham and eggs- a days work for a chicken; a lifetime of commitment for a pig" so true lol. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel, 28. “I love being married.

Our goal is to help you by delivering amazing quotes to bring inspiration, personal growth, love and happiness to your everyday life.

Mind, literally, blown. There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't. LOL. Stupid Funny Quotes. More Tattletaling and Some Seriously Deep Conversation!

My software never has bugs.

That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope, 69. cheerfulnuts from Manila, Philippines on August 13, 2011: fresh2def05, this is funny! Your account was created. tags: funny-and-random, funny-book-quotes, funny-writing-quotes, gardening-humor, subversion. I remember watching Gilda Radner when I was a kid and everyone thought she was so funny and no one ever said that she was a funny woman, she was just funny. Inspiration.

Number two was death.

I dream of a better tomorrow...where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.

Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self.”—Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail, 91. I love sharing jokes, funny quotes, and humorous sayings—anything to make people laugh. Home / Stupid Funny Quotes.

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. fresh2def05 (author) from Louisville, Ky on July 12, 2012: Hi. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”—Lessons from the Minivan, 30. fresh2def05 (author) from Louisville, Ky on December 01, 2010: Thanks and glad they brightened up your day.

Tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. When we came to a stop the driver says he was following the flow of traffic and that I should have pulled the other car over instead. Others will have you remembering hilarious, meme-worthy movie and TV moments. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”—Lin-Manuel Miranda, 92.

Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. Home.

I’d like to help you out.

hilary on March 20, 2018:. Javascript and RSS feeds. This message will auto-flush in 5 seconds.

—Mark Twain.

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Absolutely hilarious made my day or should I say night.

I posted the link to your site on my blog!

- … It was terrible.”—Grumpy Cat, 73. These 101 funny quotes from comedians, movies, authors, and TV look at the hilarious side of life.

nsp1190@gmail.com. Michelle Liew from Singapore on November 19, 2012: This list rocks.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice. God created the world, everything else is made in China. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?

It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word. It lasts forever.”—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up, 29. Stay tuned!

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